Welcome to the second part! This one isn't really violent. It's more getting to know the character and who "he" is. You find out what Nyshida is. It's pretty cool. I wanted to find a picture of what Yukio and Nyshida look like, or something close but no avail. Oh well. Maybe I'll find one next time. Please comment and tell me everything you liked and didn't like. The 3rd one will be AWESEOME! All the action you could dream! and blood! all the gory stuff!
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Nyshida and Yukio walked for five days straight through the forest, and on the fifth day, a dreary desert. The heat was unbearable for Yukio. Nyshida found herself often carrying or dragging Yukio along.
"I see why they call you Yukio. You have no tolerance for heat what-so-ever." Nyshida would often tease. Yukio would stay quiet and listen to Nyshida's strange heart beat.
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Yukio woke up and smiled. He knew the smell of fresh rain. He looked over at Nyshida.
"Finally you are up boy. Now walk, I swear you put on weight."
Yukio stood up slowly. His body felt stiff and he was sure he had a bruise on his left side from Nyshida's hard body. He swore she was made of stone or something.
"Where are we going Nyshida?"
"My place."
"Your place? You mean you have a house?"
"Of course I do! Do you think I'm poor boy?"
"N-no. You just seem like the kind of person to just be a wanderer. You seem not to like to be confined to just one area."
"You're very observant Yukio. What you say is true. I only come home to heal and sharpen my swords. Maybe get a decent meal."
They had started walking through a thicket of thorn bushes and bare trees. Yukio tried not to yelp at the pain because he wanted to impress Nyshida but he failed. A long black berry bush caught him across his face. A thin line of blue blood dripped down his left cheek. Nyshida covered her nose and mouth and pulled Yukio furiously through the thicket. Causing him more pain and a few more cuts.
She stopped at a door made of steel. She kicked it down and yelled as loudly as she could, "Keith! The boy's face bleeds!"
An over sized fox appeared out of a hole in the ground. His fur was mid night black, and his eyes were pure white. He had four tails, each tip was white like Yukio's hair. Keith stood up slowly and began to change. He was a man, though, he still had the four tails and the ears, as well as the scent of a fox.
Before Yukio knew what Keith was doing, Keith had already pulled a handful of berries out of a small pouch, mixed them with his spit and slapped it on Yukio's cuts.
Nyshida let out her breath.
"Thank you Keith."
"My pleasure Miss. Your bath is running and a change of clothes in there. Burn the ones you wear." Then Keith disappeared.
Nyshida began stripping off her blood soaked clothes and threw them on the fire. Yukio gasped as he watched her.
All across her body he saw cuts, bruises, and many crisscrossing scars all over her back and torso.
"What happened Nyshida?"
She turned around, "I picked a fight with the wrong person." She turned back around and walked into a small room and bathed.
Nyshida sighed as she got into the burning water. She felt her whole body convulse as she smelled the dried blood in her hair hit the water. When blood was fresh it made her insane. It brought out her blood lust, but, old blood was a different story. It made her sick to her stomach. She leaned over the tub and puked. She couldn't stand it.
She immersed herself into the water until all she could feel was warmth. It was quiet and she could think clearly to herself.
What am I doing? This boy was with the Maheme. The only reason I spared him was because he reminds me so much of...him. The way he seems as if there isn't a care in the world. The way he's always so concerned for me even if I lash out at him. Even the way his eyes shine when he smiles. Nyshida clenched her fist. What is all this unnecessary human emotion? I got rid of my emotions a long time ago. They died when he left. Everything died when he left.
Nyshida awoke to the smell of rice and deer meat. Yukio was lounging on the floor with wet hair. Nyshida walked over to him and looked down. Yukio blushed and handed her some pants. Nyshida looked down at herself.
"Oh." All she was wearing was an over sized t-shirt. She wasn't use to wearing clothes here because Keith and her did not have that kind of relationship. Keith did not even like people who looked human. He only like Fox Demons like himself so he did not have a problem with her. Now, with Yukio here, she would have to be careful.
"Sorry Yukio."
"It's fine, I just thought you'd be more comfortable that way. Heh." Yukio sat up and made room for Nyshida on the rug.
"So if you don't mind me asking Nyshida, what are you exactly?"
"Well, I'm not a fully a vampire if that is what you are asking. I don't even really think I am a vampire though I lust for blood. I was just given that title because I drink it and because I experience thirst as well."
"What is the other half?"
Keith brought them bowls of rice with an appreciated mountain of deer meat on top.
"I'm part demon as well. When I was younger, I was fed on by a demon. He injected some type of poison into my body that should have killed me, except, I scratched his face and swallowed his blood. It mixed with his poison which caused my body to mutate even more. You haven't even seen my true form kid." She took a bite out of the meat.
"So you are a demon vamp?"
"I guess you could say that but..." She looked at Keith.
"She doesn't drink human or animal blood like normal vampires. She drinks vampire blood or demon blood. There has been occasions when she has almost sucked me dry." Keith laughed and the whole place shook. He had a very deep voice.
"Is that why you went crazy when you killed the first vampire?" Yukio referred to when they had first met.
"Yes and no. All vampires have a scent. It's just like humans. Though the vampires I hunt have slow hearts and blue blood, it still attracts me. Now, I can hear their heartbeat and blood. I could also smell the human blood mixing with yours. It was intoxicating."
It was quiet for a bit.
"Why is it that you eat human food?"
"Same reason as you. It tastes good. All the toxins in my stomach evaporate it but the taste is worth it, even if I do not feel full."
Keith began eating as well. His white eyes seemed to flash with multi-colors behind the white film.
"Nyshida," Yukio hesitated.
"Yeah?"
"Why didn't, you kill me?"
Nyshida swallowed hard and Keith's head snapped up and looked at Yukio.
"You remind me of someone I once knew." Nyshida traced the outline of the bowl.
"Who?" Yukio almost whispered.
"Domo. My older brother."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I read the first part of your story and I had to keep reading. There are only a few nit picks. I wouldn’t point them out at all except I’m glad when people let me know on my own work.
Poison was spelled wrong.
Comma after poor.
I would eliminate one of the “just”’s it makes for an awkward sentence. Maybe: “You just seem like the kind of person who prefers to live the life of a wanderer.”
I know you’re not supposed to have super long sentences but the sentences forming this paragraph are a little jerky. I would try something like:
The large form of a black fox appeared from a hole beside the steel door. The fox’s eyes gleamed a brilliant white and four white tipped tails flickered from behind the odd beast. The fox shook forcefully and stood. As the animal rose to his feet, the fox transformed into a man, though he still retained his odd tails, fox like ears, and the sharp scent of a fox.
It should be “liked”
Did you mean it tastes good?
Bravo, again this part of the story was well done. I enjoyed reading it immensely. Other than the image of a naked person that is though everyone is entitled to his or her own style of writing and I’m not complaining. Again we have the collision of vampires. Everyone’s writing about Vampires. I think it would do you so much good to eliminate vampires from your story, alter your characters slightly, and come up with a creature that’s all your own; you simply need to change the name.
Keep on writing and I’ll keep on reading:)
~Dakota